Sometime ago, I heard someone ask the question, “Are you happy?”
A simple question that deserves a short and simple answer, you might think. But it’s not that simple.
This is a question that evokes mixed reactions from people. Some are happy to give an answer while others take offense. To some, this question can cause doubt. To others, it’s a destination they are working on.
Obviously, there are many factors to consider in determining one’s happiness. And I believe that our ability to live the life we want can make us happy.
Allow me to explain.
Living Someone Else’s Life
I once came across a quote from an unknown author who strung these powerful words.
“Never allow yourself to be defined by someone else’s opinion of you.”
Many of us whether we admit it or not, fail to adhere to these words of wisdom. Be honest and try to answer the questions below:
- Do you always seek approval or validation from others before you make a decision?
- Do you feel miserable or unaccepted if you fail to meet other people’s expectations?
- Do you doubt yourself and your ability to make decisions for yourself?
- Are you only “happy” when you are acknowledged for conforming to the desires or whims of others?
If you are affirmative to at least two of the four questions, don’t be embarrassed. This is a problem many people struggle with. The Atlantic reported that 59% of young people say that the internet is shaping who they are.
Basically, our generation is looking up to social media for guidance and direction on how to live life. From clothing, food, music, taking care of your health and family to managing relationships and dealing with problems, the list goes on and on. And people are eager to search the internet for answers to life’s questions.
People’s behaviour and lifestyle are now dictated by the opinions and comments that flood social media and the web world. What is socially acceptable and politically correct has been the norm rather than what is morally correct and acceptable. It seems that people are compelled to some degree, to live someone else’s life. There’s this nagging yet pervasive feeling to conform to what society offers.
Consider this. Before buying a new mobile phone, how many times have you read reviews and sough the opinion of others? These reviews and opinions influenced your decision and you end up buying something you regret later because you don’t really need it or it doesn’t suit your requirements.
Another classic example: you wanted to watch a certain movie but you are not sure if it’s a good idea. So you ask some of your friends who might have watched the movie. Their opinions and biases will play a great deal in your decision whether to watch the movie or not. Oftentimes, we are swayed by strong comments and opinions that we ended up following them. We fear they will get upset if we don’t do or eat what they do and eat. Many people’s lives are shaped by the opinion of others.
Let’s face it. Some people will tell you why you can’t do this or do that. Some act like they’re life experts and know the answers to every question in life. Some feel entitled or feel they have the right to tell others what to do and they feel upset if you don’t follow what they told you.
Technology and social media made communication a lot easier. It paved the way to express one’s ideas and opinions on certain issues on a global scale. Anyone can be heard, anywhere, anytime. Anyone can comment on anything and on anyone.
Many saw this as freedom of speech maximized. But there’s a drawback. A lot of the comments and opinions that saturate social media and the web are unrestricted and unfiltered. And these pose problems.
Be the Author of Your Life’s Book
Remember, your life isn’t yours if you constantly care what others think. This will only make your life miserable.
Don’t let your life be dictated by the opinion of others. This is irrational and unproductive.
If you allow others to shape who you are based on how you think they will perceive you, you’ve got to put a stop on to it. Here are six ways to help you live the life you want and not the life others what you to live.
1. Learn to trust and respect yourself.
The first person who should trust and respect you is your own self. You cannot expect other people to trust and respect you if you don’t trust and respect yourself in the first place.
Cynthia Wall, LCSW, a psycho-therapist in private practice in northern California wrote in her book The Courage to Trust: A Guide to Building Deep and Lasting Relationships,
“The person you need to trust first is yourself. No one can be as consistently supportive of you as you can learn to be. Being kind to yourself increases self-confidence and lessens your need for approval. Loving and caring for yourself not only increases self-trust, it also deepens your connection with others.”
Self-trust means that you can take care of your needs and safety. It means you trust yourself to survive situations, and practice kindness, not perfection. It means you refuse to give up on yourself.
A healthy self-esteem means having self-respect. When you have low self-esteem, you put little value on your opinions and ideas. You might constantly worry that you aren’t good enough. You might have the tendency to rely heavily on the opinions and ideas of others.
Robert Tew, Chairman at Newcastle Knights Limited said:
“Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy.”
I think this is a sound advice we can all follow.
2. Be at peace and at ease with yourself.
This simply means that you have to learn to accept yourself, with all your abilities and strengths, together with your weaknesses and limitations.
Allow yourself for mistakes but always make room for improvements.
Learn to accept the fact that there are certain things in life that you simply cannot change. They are beyond your control. But don’t forget that there are things in life that you have control of and you have the capacity to change them.
3. Do the things that make you happy.
Your life doesn’t revolve around other people. You don’t have an obligation to please them. Your happiness doesn’t begin and end with the opinions of others. Your happiness lies in the palm of your very own hands.
Try to do the things that will make you happy even though some people might not agree with it. After all, it’s your own happiness that you’re after, not theirs.
Of course, we must be aware that for every freedom that we want to enjoy and cherish, there is a corresponding responsibility attach to it. We are free to do the things that make us happy as long as we are not hurting anyone or destroying any property.
Be responsible to exercise your right or freedom without trampling the rights or freedom of others.
4. Face your fears.
One of the worst things we can do is to base our decisions on other people’s opinions. Most decisions we make have a ripple effect – sparking a chain of events that can affect others.
Don’t let your mind wander in the land of what-ifs. Don’t let your fear of what other people might say or think deter you from living the life you want. Don’t let this unhealthy and sometimes unrealistic fear drain the life out of you.
Don’t live in fear. Face them and conquer them. As the legendary baseball player Babe Ruth said,
“Never let the fear of striking out get in your way.”
Babe Ruth hit 714 home runs. But he also had 1330 strikeouts. He wasn’t afraid of failing. He didn’t let the doubters and naysayers get in his head.
He changed the “impossible” to “I’m possible”. He disproved the naysayers and the doubters.
You too can change your “impossible” to “I’m possible”.
“Impossible” stops you before you even start. “I’m possible” gives you a target.
5. Control your connectivity.
Beings disciplined on how much access time you spend on social media and the web can help you control how much of society’s opinions are meddling in your affairs. You don’t need all the negativism out there to mess up with you. You can control how much social media can influence your thinking and how you perceive yourself.
The amount of time people spend on social media is constantly increasing. Teens now spend up to nine hours a day on social platforms, while 30% of all time spent online is now allocated to social media interaction. And the majority of that time is on mobile – 60% of social media time spent is facilitated by a mobile device.
Currently, total time spent on social media beats time spent eating and drinking, socializing, and grooming.
Remember that 59% of young people admit that internet is helping shape their lives. The amount of time spent on various social media platforms and the web world sadly has an adverse effect on the mental health and behaviour of young people. Adults are no exception to this.
Remember the adage “garbage in, garbage out”? This is so true with social media and in relation to other people’s opinion on you.
Try to spend more quality time with people who are close to you, people you can trust and who believe in you and support and encourage you. This is a healthy practice that not only develops and deepens relationships but it also helps you grow as a person.
6. Treat opinions as feedbacks, not as facts.
Opinions are opinions, nothing more, nothing less.
I think it’s helpful to get the opinion of others just for feedback, but ultimately it’s up to you to make that final decision.
Remember that opinions do not dictate facts. Facts should dictate opinions. But let’s admit it, in the world we live in, opinion overrules facts. Just because an opinion is popular doesn’t make it factual and relevant.
Many in the entertainment business and people in politics state their opinions or sentiments on certain social and moral issues without proper knowledge and adequate understanding. Since people look up to them, the general public just believe what they to be true without verifying anything. The people are persuaded by their opinions and notions on issues.
So don’t believe everything you hear and see on social media. Treat opinions, notions, and sentiments as feedbacks, not as facts.
You Can Live the Life You Want
You are the painter of the canvas of your life. You are the captain of your ship and you decide where to steer the ship as you navigate an ocean of opportunities and life struggles.
Stop letting people who do so little for you, control so much of your mind, feelings and emotions.
Never allow yourself to be defined by someone else’s opinion of you.
You can live and enjoy life the way you want it. It’s all in your hands.